Having sex should feel pleasurable, good and wonderful, but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, it can be uncomfortable, hurt, or forced. If you are going to have sex, it’s important that it is something you and the ones you have sex with want to do. It’s also important that the other person(s) doesn’t do anything to you that you don’t want them to, and that you don’t do anything to them that they don’t want to.

Sex can be many different things. A lot of people think that sex only means penetration, or sex between a man and a woman, but sex is something that you are free to define yourself. You might think that sex is touching yourself or someone else, kissing, going down on someone and having oral sex, or stimulating yourself or someone else in some other way! Sex doesn’t have to be between one man and one woman. Two women can have sex with eachother, or two men, or one non-binary person and one woman, or more than two persons can have sex with eachother. How and with whom you have sex with is completely up to you, as long as everyone consents. Some people don’t want to have sex, or don’t get horny. That’s totally fine.

According to Swedish law, it’s illegal to have sex with anyone who has not said yes, or in another clear way shown that they want to have sex. Actively saying yes or showing that you want to is called giving consent. It might feel difficult to say yes or ask for another person’s consent. Sometimes, consent can be shown by, for example, putting on a sexy song, or in some other way showing that you want to have sex. But it is super important to be absolutely sure that everyone involved actually want to have sex. Having sex should be pleasurable, good and wonderful but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable, forced or maybe it hurts. If you are gong to have sex, it’s important that it’ssomething both you and the other persons want to do. It’s also important that the person(s) doesn’t do anything to you that you don’t want them to, and the same goes for your actions towards them.

Sex can also be bad if you have said yes but change your mind after that. That means that you can have sex even if you don’t want to, and afterwards, you might feel bad or blame yourself for having consented at first. It might also lead to you not having sex and that the other person gets angry and irritated. Another example is not daring to say no when you’ve changed your mind in the middle of having sex because you don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable, or because you’re afraid that it’ll get worse. Saying no to sex is fine. Saying no can also be signaled by fighting against it, shouting, “freezing” or in some other way showing that you don’t want to have sex. This is also included in the Swedish laws on consent.

Sometimes sex doesn’t feel good because it hurts, itches, stings or is uncomfortable. Not being wet enough, being sore or having irritated skin can be reasons why sex hurts. For some, those problems will disappear on their own, but you can always visit a youth clinic if you’re worried. Sex can also be less good if your penis doesn’t get hard, it can make you wonder what happened or if something is wrong with your body. You can contact a youth clinic too if you’re worried about it. Youth clinics employ people who are extra knowledgeable about problems concerning children, adolescents and young adults. Going to a youth clinic is free and you don’t have to let an adult, or anyone else, know that you’ve contacted them.

Text by Felicia Karlsson, Indra Queer, Trans och Tjejjour

Translation by Dannie Milve, Förenade tjej-, trans- och ungdomsjourer

Further reading:

Sex

Sex on your terms

Sex in exchange for payment

Sexual violence

Sexuality and sexual orientation